my mate Emily and I decided to get a bit drunk and go see the Woman in Black since everyone says it’s rlly scary. that’s it that’s the premise.
Before
A Okay. We – this is the stupidest thing we’ve ever done.
E This is a bad introduction
A Okay UGH we are WALKING from the spoons to the
Theatre
Thassit
E That’ll do
A I’ve had one gin and tonic, half a bottle of prosecco
Em’s had half a bottle of prosecco, a double rum and coke, and a shot of whiskey
Within
About an hour.
E Impressive
A I feel like you’re gonna start crying
Emily doesn’t like horror
E I really don’t
A We’ve both seen the film
Editor’s note: This was a lie. I have not seen the film.
E I’m really concerned Ava
I’m gonna like get to the break the seal level and have to pee halfway through the first act
A Don’t tell me that or I’m gonna have to do that as well (Ed. – we held it in really well)
E Then a scary bit will come and I’ll pee my pants
A What if
You got up
And she was in the aisle
E gjdgkshglskglkfhgsflks no!!
A She’s gonna bob around the Upper Circle (Ed. – she does not do this. This did not stop us from hiding under our jackets)
E You’re on the aisle seat
A Why didn’t I book in the middle
E Did you choose the aisle
A Yes
E Why
A I don’t know
E Foolish girls
A We’re gonna hold each other’s hands
Interval
A Um okay
I’m feeling a little bit stressed
E Not a lot of scary stuff has happened yet
A It’s all setting up
Before the thrills
And spills
E I can see why A Level students study this play
Cos there’s metatheatricality
A They set it out pretty well
Cos what they do is like
Set it up like
It’S tHe TheATrE
hoW could it POSSIBLY be sCAry
When it’s all MAKE BELIEVE
E There’s like five false starts
And we’ve seen the woman three times already and each time
It’s been kinda
Funny
A I kinda think it’s quite audacious (Ed. – do I???) to give it a really fucking boring start
E It’s so boring
And that’s not seen that much in theatre
Like it starts with a guy REALLY BADLY reading a script
A I think it’s quite an effective way to open a show (Ed. – ??? I disagree with past me virulently)
The bit where it scared me most was this bit with a train where another train m passes and there’s a really loud noise and I like burrowed into you
E What was the cue line like
“What do you mean – nothing?”
And then
BRASGHAGHDJ TRAIN
Cos I really don’t like horror but I’ve been watching the first bit like
Give me some scares
I want some scares.
I’m hooked
A Are you? (Ed. – lol relax Ava don’t get catty)
E I came here
For some cheap thrills
A They’re not gonna be cheap they’re gonna be EARNED (Ed. – were they tho)
E West End budget
A Exactly
I did like –
Towards the end the guy was monologuing and there was a really precise spot on his face and I was like / OOOH
E OOOH
A THEATRE!! HERE WE GO
E The LIGHTS and the SPACE (Ed. – I hate us)
A It’s almost like
They play off what you think theatre will be
Maybe I’m reading too into it
But like
I feel like they play into the idea of theatre being rickety and boring and silly
E Yes
A And How Scary Can The Imagination Really Be!!
And it’s like
Very scary!!! Actually!!!
E And with the recorded sound
A It shouldn’t be creepy but it is
E I feel very invested in being scared
A I’m gonna cry I’m gonna cry
E The adrenaline
A I’m gonna cry (Ed. – drama queen fml)
E I’m ready to make some weird noises like
Sfsakfbdjgbdgjksbsjkgb (Ed. – use ur imagination, it was quite impressive)
Five minutes after the curtain went up the alcohol like –
Hit me
And I started like
Making finger guns at the stage (Ed. – she did. During the “””funnies””” at the start Em literally did finger guns and said “wahey” at one of the actors….from the circle)
A Yeah when he said something like
Oh and our audience
Who AREN’T here but are GOING TO BE LATER
You like
Waved???
E Yes
A And I was like he CAN’T SEE YOU
Anyway we need to go back in
After
A Well
E IT WASN’T THAT SCARY
IT WAS FINE
WE’RE VERY STRONG WOMEN
A I will start by saying (Ed. – here we go)
That I think (Ed. – are u ready)
That it’s super fucking interesting (Ed. – s’not that deep Ava)
That she doesn’t do a bow
Cos I think it says
A hell of a lot
About the industry (Ed. – your honour? A reach)
Like but like she fucking carried it!!!!
E Ava
Are you saying
Are you saying that
The theatre industry
Doesn’t value women
A AM I??????? (Ed. – I AM saying that but this is dumb obv)
E A bold claim!!!!!
A But she does all this work
And she’s the reason why people come
E She’s like running around the stage
A Because they wanna maintain this like
Dramaturgical
THING
That they’ve got going
They don’t have her bow
I just think it’s interesting (Ed. – I take it back I think this is actually q an interesting point)
But it was not scary
E No
And the bits that were scary were like things you do find fundamentally distressing
Like
I do find six year olds dying very distressing!!!!
A That wasn’t even scary
E But like screaming people is scary!!!
A It’s like it completely works off tropes, right
They’re so ingrained in our cultural consciousness that if I hear a woman screaming
If I hear uh
Like a music box tinkling
E That got me
Like
Ding ding ding ding
This is CREEPY!!
A If I’d seen it when I was thirteen I’d probably have been like
Well I would’ve loved it
And been like
That’s so cool that’s what theatre can do
But now I find it funny cos you can see all the seams
Like when she’s appearing all over the place
I can just IMAGINE her like
Running backstage and like legging it to her next cue
In her long black dress.
E Cos the person isn’t scary
It’s the idea of the person!!!
A This is some people’s first foray into theatre
E Probably a lot of people’s first West End show in London
A Yeah
So my GCSE text was Journey’s End
And there was a production on somewhere
And that was such a seminal thing for me
Like I have a real fondness for that play even though now
Fuck me
I would NEVER watch that play
It’s just about these men in WW1 in the trenches.
E Mine was Midsummer Night’s Dream
And they made lots of jokes about Martin Clune because he’s big in the South West
A Loooool
But like seeing Journey’s End
That was the first time I was like
Oh my God I’m FEELING something
E My first thing on seeing Midsummer was
Oh you can pretend something’s onstage and like
Still believe it???
The whole second half – there was this dog that you couldn’t see
Like a real dog
A Would’ve taken away from it
E Yeah been the Live Thing onstage that you pay attention to.
Emily gets distracted by something and we chat about that for a few minutes, apparently. Then we get back to it.
I feel quite proud that we weren’t that scared.
A Yeah I’m like
I’m 23 and I wasn’t scared at all
E I’m a grown up
Closing thoughts
A I dunno like
It is what it is
E I was disappointed at the lack of theatrical payoff
I sound like a wanker
But
A No I get it
You could see her like
Moving into position
E Cos the emergency exit lights were on where we were
A What I think it does well is like that real suspension of disbelief
And like that’s why horror theatre should work better than it does, maybe
You know all these people are running around backstage
And moving to their cues etc
But when it happens – when she jumps out – everyone wants to scream
So they do scream
And that’s what’s kinda amazing
That like collective
Sorta consciousness being like
WE’RE GONNA SCREAM NOW BECAUSE IT’S GONNA BE SCARY AND WE WANNA FEEL THAT
E From a front of house perspective
You know the French kids who were behind us chatting
A No disrespect to the French
E We are not xenophobes
A They were literally talking loudly
In French (Ed. – me again. lmao we GET it)
E I was like if one of them kicks my chair when they scream
I’m gonna turn around and punch them
But like
You can’t make it too scary
A Cos otherwise it would be disruptive
E Yeah
Like it could get people jumping out of their seats and getting upset and like
Punching each other
Cos you know how earlier we were like
If someone touches me
Like the Woman
I’m gonna fucking punch them
A Yeah yeah yeah
That’s so interesting cos like
There’s always a limit to theatre
Whereas in film
That’s why I find film more scary
It’s unlimited
Whereas this
E If it was actually really properly scary
A Then it would be dangerous
And it’s like (Ed. – one more big ol take from ava here)
Is theatre dangerous
If it can provoke that kinda gut-response of like I’m gonna punch you if you touch me
This is like
The Greeks talked about this (Ed. – vv astute love it)
E The Greeks
A The Greeks
Like I swear they were really aware of the power of theatre and how it could affect behaviour
E Yeah
A It’s like catharsis
It’s like a feeling of like being pulled out of yourself
E Like you know how with Rites of Spring there were riots at the theatre
A Yeah!!
But I don’t see anything now which is like that
E Cos theatre has to fight for its place in the cultural sector
So it has to be like
A Not palatable
But somewhere near there
E It has to have some kind of
Commercial/public value
And if it caused riots it would be shut down.
A Yeah
Ostensibly for safety but also because like
Unbridled emotions in like a community are dangerous.
Or something.
If you wanna see the Woman in Black it will be running for the next fifty million years so take ur time dw about it.
